John Egbert and the Goblet of Sick Fires

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:33 < x// ANYWAY…..
:33 < even though she totally should have known better the witch set out to find her meowrail and

D —> What are you doing

:33 < i am giving efurrybody a better story to read than the one they were reading before!
:33 < about how

D —> No
D —> Nepeta this is e%tremely inappropriate
D —> The activities you are making public here are highly illegal
D —> Not to mention deeply embarrassing
D —> You will stop at once

:33 < urrghhhh you cant make me!
:33 < anyway if i dont then the story will be ofur
:33 < we cant just leave all those people hanging!
:33 < cmon equius

D —> I would consider keeping your sordid misdeeds out of the public eye a far nobler goal than continuing a story for muggles
D —> But I see no reason I cannot accomplish both if this is so important to you
D —> I will take the reins and recount events from a more savoury standpoint

:33 < nooooooo
:33 < youre terrible at stories equius
:33 < it will be really boring and nobody will like it
:33 < efurrybody liked my storytelling look how many notes it got

D —> Nonsense
D —> You will cease these 100dicrous protests and give me the book

:33 < no

D —> Yes

:33 < no!

D —> Yes

:33 < noooo!

D —> Give me the book or I will be forced to take drastic action

:33 < ugh fine

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:33 < obviously once she has cracked it the witch is going to share the secret with her meowrail beclaws she knows there is nothing he would like better than to be able to transfurm at will into a majestic stallion or something and they could prowl all night together in the furbidden furrest in their animal forms!
:33 < but she ALSO just knows that if he knew she was doing it he would just get cross at her for going against ancient wizarding laws and be all silly and patronising about it like the only reason she would pawsibly break a rule is that she doesn’t know any better beclaws of her “”“disadvantaged background”“”!!!
:33 < hcchhhssssssss!!!!!!! x((

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meanwhile in grryiffindor tower, while sollux was being rubbish at being enigmeowtic and nobody cared…..

:33 < a brave t33n witch who doesnt let the wizarding worlds rules tell her what to do stands in her lair i mean dorm room!!
:33 < she is taking furrther steps to awaken the mighty lioness inside her
:33 < luckily she has pawsome dormmates who dont give her any trouble about working furbidden enchantments in her dorm room but she has got stuck lately
:33 < like a chubby kitty trying to get through a cat flap that is too small fur him!
:33 < it looks like she is going to have to ask her stuffy old meowrail for help, even though she has b33n k33ping this a secret from him for meownths!
:33 < of clawse normally she would tell her meowrail anything but he would defurnitely disapurrove of…..

:33 < the fact that she is secretly working to become an animagus!!!!!
:33 < h33h33h33h33h33!

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Nepeta: Interrupt.

:33 < wow no wonder this thing hasnt b33n updated in furever
:33 < this is borrrrring! xPP
:33 < triwizard tournament blah blah blah who cares!
:33 < what happened to the romance!
:33 < where are the magical beasts??
:33 < this sucks
:33 < i am officially taking ofur.

> meanwhile in grryiffindor tower, while sollux was being rubbish at being enigmeowtic and nobody cared….. 

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p2222t. hey EB.

uhhhhhhhh. captor, right?

ye2 well done O+ faciial recogniitiion 2kiill2.
look ii’ve got some hiint2 about the fiir2t ta2k to pa22 on ok 2o 2iit down and 2hut up whiile ii 2chool your pa2ty human a22 about how to not faiil and diie.

what?

ii’m tryiing to help you wiin for fuck’2 2ake ju2t 2hut up.

i thought you agreed with karkat. you know, about how the triwizard tournament is stupid and “WIZARDS ARE A BUNCH OF FUCKING DANGEROUS PSYCHOPATHS WITH MAGIC STICKS, TRYING TO KILL AS MANY CHILDREN AS THEY CAN BY FORCING THEM TO PARTICIPATE IN BIZARRE RITUALIZED MONSTER FIGHTS”.

diid he actually 2ay that. god he’2 2uch a tool.

haha, i know!

wiizard2 are fuckiing terriible though.

yeah i guess! but then why would you care who wins the tournament?

doe2 iit matter.

well

look ok the fiir2t ta2k ii2 liike hiikiing or 2omethiing. they are goiing to put you guy2 like 2iix biilliion miile2 out iin the miiddle of fucking nowhere and make you fiind your way back to hogwart2 becau2e that’2 the kiind of thiing re2pon2iible wiizard adult2 thiink ii2 fun to watch ii gue22.
don’t a2k how ii know ii have 2ource2 ok.

ok but

can you ju2t accept that ii want you to wiin for whatever rea2on
maybe ii have a problem wiith the guy iin the hat
who know2
u2e your iimagiinatiion.

uh

no 2eriiou2ly ii’m done here.

> Nepeta: Interrupt.

John: Help your palcomrade. Return to the castle.

Having saved your Seeker from the Snitch’s revenge, you take the pesky magical artifact with you back to the castle. You’re pretty sure Snitches don’t even have teeth, but this little guy has still been nothing but trouble all the same.

Speaking of trouble … who is this shady character lurking in the undergrowth making the most miserable effort to go ‘pssst’ you have ever heard in your life?

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haha, sorry vriska, i have to help out my palcomrade!
i’ll see you later, ok?

Ugh, are you kidding me? You need to let that loser learn to fend for himself or he will never 8e a good Quidditch player!

pffft, whatever, serket, you’re just jealous because your team’s seeker is eridan ampora.

Ugh, whatever! Fine.
Meet me after Charms, ok? We have got strategies to discuss!

> John: Help your palcomrade. Return to the castle.

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hEY, uH, gUYS,
jOHN,
cAN I GET, a LITTLE HELP HERE, mAYBE,

oh, whoah dude, is the snitch getting salty with you again?

i THINK, iT’S TRYING TO BITE ME,
dO YOU THINK, tHAT YOU COULD, aS CAPTAIN, lOOK INTO MAYBE GETTING, a LOW-SODIUM SNITCH,

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John: Get hassled by Vriska.

Hey John!
I 8et you are totally panicking a8out this potentially deadly task.

not really, i mean i have to put the bludgers away after every practice.
don’t worry! they haven’t broken my arm in years. i have got this down.

Not that, stupid!
God, I can’t 8elieve I’m even 8othering with this. Do you know what kind of important 8usiness I’m missing to come help you out????????

no, what?

Uh. N8thing!
I mean, it’s n8t imp8rtant.
Hahahahahahahaha! Never m8nd.

oh, ok. so do you have some hot tips for me?

Well, I have some ace hexes I wanted to teach you that will totally give you the edge in com8at.
8ut they won’t 8e much good if you don’t know what the task is!
I am pretty sure some of the other champions have got some sweet deets that you are missing out on 8y not 8eing proactive. You can tell from their confident swaggers!
So you should pro8a8ly talk to them or something.

oh yeah, I was going to do that later today!

Suuuuuuuure you were!
It’s okay, Eg8ert, you don’t have to pretend! We 8oth know you’d 8e nowhere without me.

haha, ok vriska.

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Be somebody who actually knows what date it is.

You stop being DAVE in order to be JOHN in either the PAST or the FUTURE relative to where the narrative just left Dave. It’s hard to say which. That’s not to say you don’t know what date it is, though. Only a totally incompetent loser wouldn’t know what today’s date was! 

It is November 21st, only seven days away from the FIRST TASK OF THE TRIWIZARD TOURNAMENT. You should probably be panicking, but you’re pretty sure it’ll work out okay one way or another. You have maintained this attitude since you found out you were HOGWARTS CHAMPION, to the dismay of your self-appointed COACH, but honestly you have other things on your mind. Like your missing buddy Dave, for example. Also right this moment you are kind of preoccupied with attempting to catch two magically reinforced flying lumps of iron and force them into a box. 

Vriska will probably be around to hassle you about the Tournament any time soon now anyway.

> John: Get hassled by Vriska.