John Egbert and the Goblet of Sick Fires

:33 < x// ANYWAY…..
:33 < even though she totally should have known better the witch set out to find her meowrail and

D —> What are you doing

:33 < i am giving efurrybody a better story to read than the one they were reading before!
:33 < about how

D —> No
D —> Nepeta this is e%tremely inappropriate
D —> The activities you are making public here are highly illegal
D —> Not to mention deeply embarrassing
D —> You will stop at once

:33 < urrghhhh you cant make me!
:33 < anyway if i dont then the story will be ofur
:33 < we cant just leave all those people hanging!
:33 < cmon equius

D —> I would consider keeping your sordid misdeeds out of the public eye a far nobler goal than continuing a story for muggles
D —> But I see no reason I cannot accomplish both if this is so important to you
D —> I will take the reins and recount events from a more savoury standpoint

:33 < nooooooo
:33 < youre terrible at stories equius
:33 < it will be really boring and nobody will like it
:33 < efurrybody liked my storytelling look how many notes it got

D —> Nonsense
D —> You will cease these 100dicrous protests and give me the book

:33 < no

D —> Yes

:33 < no!

D —> Yes

:33 < noooo!

D —> Give me the book or I will be forced to take drastic action

:33 < ugh fine

:33 < obviously once she has cracked it the witch is going to share the secret with her meowrail beclaws she knows there is nothing he would like better than to be able to transfurm at will into a majestic stallion or something and they could prowl all night together in the furbidden furrest in their animal forms!
:33 < but she ALSO just knows that if he knew she was doing it he would just get cross at her for going against ancient wizarding laws and be all silly and patronising about it like the only reason she would pawsibly break a rule is that she doesn’t know any better beclaws of her “”“disadvantaged background”“”!!!
:33 < hcchhhssssssss!!!!!!! x((

==>

:33 < a brave t33n witch who doesnt let the wizarding worlds rules tell her what to do stands in her lair i mean dorm room!!
:33 < she is taking furrther steps to awaken the mighty lioness inside her
:33 < luckily she has pawsome dormmates who dont give her any trouble about working furbidden enchantments in her dorm room but she has got stuck lately
:33 < like a chubby kitty trying to get through a cat flap that is too small fur him!
:33 < it looks like she is going to have to ask her stuffy old meowrail for help, even though she has b33n k33ping this a secret from him for meownths!
:33 < of clawse normally she would tell her meowrail anything but he would defurnitely disapurrove of…..

:33 < the fact that she is secretly working to become an animagus!!!!!
:33 < h33h33h33h33h33!

==>

:33 < wow no wonder this thing hasnt b33n updated in furever
:33 < this is borrrrring! xPP
:33 < triwizard tournament blah blah blah who cares!
:33 < what happened to the romance!
:33 < where are the magical beasts??
:33 < this sucks
:33 < i am officially taking ofur.

> meanwhile in grryiffindor tower, while sollux was being rubbish at being enigmeowtic and nobody cared….. 

p2222t. hey EB.

uhhhhhhhh. captor, right?

ye2 well done O+ faciial recogniitiion 2kiill2.
look ii’ve got some hiint2 about the fiir2t ta2k to pa22 on ok 2o 2iit down and 2hut up whiile ii 2chool your pa2ty human a22 about how to not faiil and diie.

what?

ii’m tryiing to help you wiin for fuck’2 2ake ju2t 2hut up.

i thought you agreed with karkat. you know, about how the triwizard tournament is stupid and “WIZARDS ARE A BUNCH OF FUCKING DANGEROUS PSYCHOPATHS WITH MAGIC STICKS, TRYING TO KILL AS MANY CHILDREN AS THEY CAN BY FORCING THEM TO PARTICIPATE IN BIZARRE RITUALIZED MONSTER FIGHTS”.

diid he actually 2ay that. god he’2 2uch a tool.

haha, i know!

wiizard2 are fuckiing terriible though.

yeah i guess! but then why would you care who wins the tournament?

doe2 iit matter.

well

look ok the fiir2t ta2k ii2 liike hiikiing or 2omethiing. they are goiing to put you guy2 like 2iix biilliion miile2 out iin the miiddle of fucking nowhere and make you fiind your way back to hogwart2 becau2e that’2 the kiind of thiing re2pon2iible wiizard adult2 thiink ii2 fun to watch ii gue22.
don’t a2k how ii know ii have 2ource2 ok.

ok but

can you ju2t accept that ii want you to wiin for whatever rea2on
maybe ii have a problem wiith the guy iin the hat
who know2
u2e your iimagiinatiion.

uh

no 2eriiou2ly ii’m done here.

> Nepeta: Interrupt.

Having saved your Seeker from the Snitch’s revenge, you take the pesky magical artifact with you back to the castle. You’re pretty sure Snitches don’t even have teeth, but this little guy has still been nothing but trouble all the same.

Speaking of trouble … who is this shady character lurking in the undergrowth making the most miserable effort to go ‘pssst’ you have ever heard in your life?

==>

haha, sorry vriska, i have to help out my palcomrade!
i’ll see you later, ok?

Ugh, are you kidding me? You need to let that loser learn to fend for himself or he will never 8e a good Quidditch player!

pffft, whatever, serket, you’re just jealous because your team’s seeker is eridan ampora.

Ugh, whatever! Fine.
Meet me after Charms, ok? We have got strategies to discuss!

> John: Help your palcomrade. Return to the castle.

hEY, uH, gUYS,
jOHN,
cAN I GET, a LITTLE HELP HERE, mAYBE,

oh, whoah dude, is the snitch getting salty with you again?

i THINK, iT’S TRYING TO BITE ME,
dO YOU THINK, tHAT YOU COULD, aS CAPTAIN, lOOK INTO MAYBE GETTING, a LOW-SODIUM SNITCH,

==>

Hey John!
I 8et you are totally panicking a8out this potentially deadly task.

not really, i mean i have to put the bludgers away after every practice.
don’t worry! they haven’t broken my arm in years. i have got this down.

Not that, stupid!
God, I can’t 8elieve I’m even 8othering with this. Do you know what kind of important 8usiness I’m missing to come help you out????????

no, what?

Uh. N8thing!
I mean, it’s n8t imp8rtant.
Hahahahahahahaha! Never m8nd.

oh, ok. so do you have some hot tips for me?

Well, I have some ace hexes I wanted to teach you that will totally give you the edge in com8at.
8ut they won’t 8e much good if you don’t know what the task is!
I am pretty sure some of the other champions have got some sweet deets that you are missing out on 8y not 8eing proactive. You can tell from their confident swaggers!
So you should pro8a8ly talk to them or something.

oh yeah, I was going to do that later today!

Suuuuuuuure you were!
It’s okay, Eg8ert, you don’t have to pretend! We 8oth know you’d 8e nowhere without me.

haha, ok vriska.

==>

You stop being DAVE in order to be JOHN in either the PAST or the FUTURE relative to where the narrative just left Dave. It’s hard to say which. That’s not to say you don’t know what date it is, though. Only a totally incompetent loser wouldn’t know what today’s date was! 

It is November 21st, only seven days away from the FIRST TASK OF THE TRIWIZARD TOURNAMENT. You should probably be panicking, but you’re pretty sure it’ll work out okay one way or another. You have maintained this attitude since you found out you were HOGWARTS CHAMPION, to the dismay of your self-appointed COACH, but honestly you have other things on your mind. Like your missing buddy Dave, for example. Also right this moment you are kind of preoccupied with attempting to catch two magically reinforced flying lumps of iron and force them into a box. 

Vriska will probably be around to hassle you about the Tournament any time soon now anyway.

> John: Get hassled by Vriska.

Hogwarts is still standing.

It does not appear to be either WAY OLD or MAD FUTURISTIC or anything like that.

Most importantly, nothing is ON FIRE and you cannot see ANY CUSTARD, ANYWHERE.

However, you DO NOT RECOGNISE ANY OF THESE PEOPLE.

It’s going to be a long day.

> Be someone who actually knows what date it is.

If you’re going to do it, you’re going to have to do it quick. You’re pretty sure you just saw Gamzee Makara leave to get the custard just now, which means you have only minutes before Jade tears down the house banner you are hiding behind and wears it like an enormous toga.

You try to be as precise as you can with your next spin of the Time-Turner. You cannot afford to mess this one up.

> Dave: Cautiously emerge into the mysterious future.

You do not need to be told twice. Some part of you feverishly hopes that if you just hide here for the rest of the night you will escape the custard this time round, but you would not like to bet on it.

Oh god. Oh man. What are you going to

no

wait

it’s different this time.

This time you can escape.

==>

It is the fourth year Yule Ball.

> Dave: Curl up in a ball behind the Hufflepuff banner and hope it’s nearly the end of the evening.

The sounds. The atmosphere.

You’d know them anywhere. They are seared indelibly into the folds of your brain. 

==>

Oh COMICAL WIZARD RELATED EXCLAMATION OF HORROR NO

==>

Right. How hard can this even be? You are just wasting the hell out of everyone’s time right now with all this pointless dithering.

You turn the Time-Turner as close to the same amount in what you hope is the opposite direction you just turned it.

==>

No!!!

God, no.

You really don’t want to remember the FOURTH YEAR YULE BALL.

> Dave: Pull yourself together. Turn the stupid thing in the opposite direction already, what the fuck is taking you so long.

dude, no. you’ve gotta believe me. these are the PINNACLE of muggle fashion right now.

are you sure

would i lie to you, dave?
(hehehehehehe)

> Dave: Piss on the floor and roar like a lion.

You have no idea what a polaroid picture is. 

Besides, in your experience as an artistic teen wizard photographer, shaking pictures is just a bad idea. It always upsets the inhabitants.

> Dave: After seeing your old shades on your past self, fondly recall how you got your sweet new aviator shades.

No shit.

You dimly recall reading about something like this. You think it’s called a TIME-TURNER or something? God, you wish you’d remembered that before you just went dicking around with it. 

You hold it up, taking great care not to do anything with it that might cause SUDDEN AND UNDESIRED TIME TRAVEL. 

As far as you remember, a Time-Turner allows the wearer to travel through time by turning it over a certain amount of times corresponding to the length of time you want to travel, either forwards or backwards. 

You can, however, discern no clear indication of how much time a single turn will take you. God this is a pain, why doesn’t wizard shit ever come with a manual. 

All you can determine is that the direction you turned it in already will take you back in time, obviously, and so presumably the opposite direction will take you forward.

What will you do?
 

> Dave: Shake it like a polaroid picture.

Oh. That Dave.

Right.

You are Dave Strider. You are nearly 16, and last time you checked it was 2010. 

You just watched your eleven-year-old self being Sorted into Gryffindor, though, which you distinctly recall was a thing that happened in 2006. 

You have no idea how to go home.

> Dave: Check out your suspicious hourglass necklace, maybe that has something to do with it.

What?

Statistically speaking there are probably other students named Dave at Hogwarts, but as far as you know you are the only one who actually has a speaking role here.

> Be the Dave hiding behind the Hufflepuff house banner. Then go home.

You can’t do that, you just got here! 

Besides, the idea of going home doesn’t seem all that appealing right now. You’re not sure how your BRO is going to take the news that you got Sorted into GRYFFINDOR instead of SLYTHERIN, like him.

Okay, you do know. He is going to take it with the same expressionless face he takes everything. You’d just rather not have to tell him in person. 

Not that you would ever admit this to anyone. As far as anybody else gets to know, you are 100% chill with being in Gryffindor. You are going to rock this honour and bravery shit like no one ever rocked it before.

> No, not that Dave.

There were of course like three dozen other children you just had a profound and irrevocable effect on, but NOBODY CARES ABOUT THEM. A good job done, though, you feel. This is where you would give yourself a pat on the back, if you had a BACK, or HANDS. 

You hope all those kids go on to lead fulfilled and happy lives, having been pigeonholed into competitive social groups based on vague traits they possessed at age eleven and which will now form the basis of others’ judgements of them for years to come!

Time to go TAKE A NAP ON YOUR SHELF for a few months and then come up with a new SONG or something. Damn it feels good to be you.

> Dave: Go home.

Well, I’m thinking Ravenclaw –

D—> What
D—> That’s 100dicrous
D—> One of my noble b100d –
D—> … Wait
D—> Isn’t that the house you chose for the Megido girl

Well, er…
Yes, I suppose it is!

D—> I see
D—> …
D—> Would you say that your suggestion that I join Ravenclaw house
D—> Was an order

> WELL, THAT WAS EXHAUSTING.

WHAT.
WHY ARE YOU HESITATING.
HURRY UP AND PUT ME IN THE HERO HOUSE.
COME ON, THIS ISN’T A HARD DECISION, I’M OBVIOUSLY A HATCHED GRYFFINDOR AND …
… URGH, WHO AM I KIDDING, YOU CAN SEE INSIDE MY HEAD. YOU’RE GOING TO PUT ME IN HUFFLEPUFF, AREN’T YOU.
JUST GET ON WITH IT, THAT’S WHERE YOU PUT ALL THE LOSERS WHO CAN’T DO ANYTHING USEFUL, RIGHT.

Oh dear! •o•
Weren’t you listening to my song?

… NOT REALLY.

> ZAHHAK, EQUIUS.

sup
slytherin right

Ah yes.
Your brother was in Slytherin, wasn’t he …
Usually I take the student’s preferences into consideration as much as anything else,
But I have never sat on the head of a less cunning individual in all of my centuries of enchanted existence!

wow
seriously

Seriously.

thats harsh bruv

> VANTAS, KARKAT.

Hmm.

Hmmmmmmm?
Don’t you hmm me! Get on with it! I don’t have all day here, geez!
Just put me in slytherin already!

Well, that certainly is an option.

What do you mean it’s an option???????? I’m a Slytherin through and through!
I’m sneaky and manipul8tive and totally am8itious!
I’ve got nothing 8ut ruthless drive to get to the top and trample down any8ody who gets in my way!

You also have the potential for great heroism and bravery.
But, very well … if you’re sure.
SLYTHERIN!

W8 a second –
… Oh.
I mean, right! Damn str8.

> STRIDER, DAVE.

1 W4NT TO B3 1N GRYFF1NDOR

Are you sure? You have the makings of a Gryffindor, that much is for certain, but I also see great cunning, and –

NO
GRYFF1NDOR 1S THE MOST D3L1C1OUS HOUS3
1 W1LL 4CC3PT NO SPUR1OUS M1NTY 4LT3RN4T1V3S!!

> SERKET, VRISKA.

Slythe-

W)(AT?? No WAY!
I’m not)(ing like t)(ose stuffy blood supremacists! I only want to)(—-ELP people!

Yes, your plans to unite the two races are very noble -
And also very ambitious. Hence -

I’m going to work R—E—ELY )(ARD to make —EV-ERYTHING FAIR! 38)
I should be in )(ufflepuff or Gryffindor, with the good guys!

Well, it’s not really that simple –

38I

– But I suppose Hufflepuff would be a good fit too.

S—-E-E?
I knew you’d come around!

> PYROPE, TEREZI.

i’M REALLY SORRY, aBOUT MY HORNS,
i HOPE YOU CAN STILL, aCCESS MY INNERMOST THOUGHTS AND DEEPEST, uHH, dESIRES, fROM ALL THE WAY OVER THERE,

Oh, not to worry. You’re such a Hufflepuff that I already Sorted you while you were standing in line. •‿•

> PEIXES, FEFERI.

Oh! That’s quite the passion for discovery you’ve got there.
Definitely a shoe-in for Ravenclaw!

0h g00d i th0ught ravenclaw s0unded like the m0st fun
0u0
wait
n0 that l00ks stupid

Oh, no.
I don’t think so. •‿•

> NITRAM, TAVROS.

Trying very hard to be a Ravenclaw, aren’t we!

What
Of Course Not
Wait Do You Mean Im Not A Ravenclaw

We-ell, you might do alright in Ravenclaw, yes,
But I don’t think it’s very you.

Im Really Verbose Though
Im Eleven And I Know The Word Verbose
I Mean I Dont Mind If You Want To Put Me Somewhere Else But

I was thinking Hufflepuff.

…
Well
That Sounds Alright I Suppose But
Is There Any Chance I Could Wear A Different Set Of House Colours

> MEGIDO, ARADIA.

Hm. You’re a tricky one, now, aren’t you.

I dOn’T kNoW aBoUt ThAt, BrO.
yOu JuSt GeT oN pUtTiN mE wHeRe YoU uP aNd FeEl LiKe FiTs BeSt.

… That is kind of the point, yes.

WeLl
I dOn’T kNoW iF yOu CoUlD aLl Be CalLiN Me SmArT
oR bRaVe
Or CuNnInG oR nOtHiNG lIkE tHat –

Oh, but you are cunning, aren’t you? Underneath everything else.
I can see it.

hAhAhAhA
iF yOu SaY sO, bRo.
It’S yOuR jOb To Be PeElInG bAcK aLl ThOsE lAyErS, aM i RiGhT?

But as for ambition –

yOu CoUlD sAy I’vE gOt A dReAm, HaTbRo.
If YoU uP aNd wAnTeD tO bE lOoKiNg aT iT lIkE tHat.

Well… I suppose that’s good enough for me if it’s good enough for you.

WoRkS foR mE, mY bRoThEr.
:o)
HoNk.

> MARYAM, KANAYA.

:33 < *the brave lioness takes her place on the stool and waits to join the rest of her purride*
:33 < *the silly old hat puts her in grrryiffindor without a moments pawse!*

> MAKARA, GAMZEE.

Let’s dispense with the absurd formalities, shall we? We both already know how this is going to proceed.

Do we really?

Of course we do.
I’m going to be placed into what is obviously the designated “hero” house, despite possessing no traits that realistically mark me out for it, in an agonisingly unsubtle move to have this obviously constructed boarding school experience most closely match –

Slytherin.

I’m sorry – ?

You heard me!

… Oh.
I see.
So it’s like that, is it.
Well played, Mother.
Well played. 

> LEIJON, NEPETA.

Well, well. What have we here.
Vast tracts of natural genius, I see.
No shortage of valour.
A surprising tendency towards underhandedness beneath a veneer of sincerity…
Great and abiding love for your friends.
More than –

i really liked your song!!!
how long does it take to come up with those? :O

Oh.
About a year, usually.
•‿• 

oh……
well thats really impressive for a hat

> LALONDE, ROSE.

Well, it’s plain to see that –

oh man.
you’re putting me in ravenclaw, right?

… I beg your pardon?

i mean, i love books.
i am always reading books, they are just so great, you don’t even know!
books. am i right?

I don’t –

doing smart thinky learning things is my favourite.
for real!
(hehehehe!)

…
You do know that being perched on the top of your head allows me to view all of your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets right?

whoah, really? that’s kind of spooky.

I am designed to be an infallible judge of character!
Weren’t you listening to my song at all? You can’t “prank” me.

that’s still pretty creepy, dude.
but, hehe, yeah, i was just funnin ya.
sooo, what’ll it be?

> HARLEY, JADE.

Hmm. I’m in two minds about you!

oh my day2
are you 2eriiou2??
becau2e ii’ve never heard that one before and iit ii2 totally hiilariiou2.
anyway iit’2 ravenclaw, iinniit, where el2e am ii goiing to fea2iibly be be2iide2 nerd hou2e.

Well, I suppose you are rather brave.
I’m sure I could make a space in Gryffindor for you if I really wanted to.

oh je2u2 chrii2t plea2e don’t.

> EGBERT, JOHN.

hi
hey
you know wwhat i hate
i hate muggles
wwoww do i hate muggles scummin up the surface of the planet wwith their mobile telecoms an their plastics an so forth
and lowwbloods too lowwbloods are reely terrible i tell you wwhat
the wworst is muggle lowwbloods i mean could you get any more fuckin classless
wwhoops i mean mudblood
wwhatevver
you get wwhat i mean
i just hate em so much sometimes i forget wwhat to call em you knoww
anyway wwhat im sayin is you should definitely put me in slytherin ill fit right in in there
my kind of people you knoww
slytherin
please
cmon
my custodian wwill hear about it if you dont put me in slytherin you dumb piece a cloth
i mean hell hear about it if you do as wwell
i suppose
but listen to me its gotta be slytherin or im dead fuckin meat

> CAPTOR, SOLLUX.

You are the SORTING HAT.

It is the evening of September 1st, 2006, and the time has come for you to Sort this year’s new batch of students. You are pretty excited about this. It is the only thing you ever get to do, after all. It’s pretty fun to know that your decisions over the next hour or so will shape the lives of dozens of witches and wizards, perhaps irreversibly. You just got to sing a totally great song you made up, and you are feeling really psyched about making these decisions.

Oh boy. They are starting to call out the names. Time to probe the brains of a fresh batch of eleven year olds!!

This is going to be SO GOOD.

> AMPORA, ERIDAN.

Hi guys! Just a heads up that I have a really hectic week ahead of me and so there probably won’t be any new GOSF until after the new year. Sorry about that!

ALSO: I know that the images on AO3 are down. I’m really sorry about that, too! Right now I dont at all have it in me to upload and replace 150 images, but I’ll get on it as soon as I can.

– Harry

It took longer to get to the ~end of act 1~ than I thought it would! I’d say I hope things will move faster from here onwards but … ok, I DO hope that.

But I cannot make any promises, so, LET’S HOPE. 

Also I cannot help but notice there are, like, over two thousand of you guys following this blog now? That’s a lot of people. I’m sort of struggling to deal with that figure. It doesn’t really seem feasible. But thank you! I am really glad people other than me and Hannah and some of our friends are actually interested in this, never mind like … two thousand whole people. Wow. I’m not even sure what size building you’d need to put that many people inside it. Wow! Ok moving on this is just getting silly

I would also like to take this opportunity to apologise for tracing those curtains from canon. I am sorry about my shitty traced curtains. But I dropped out of animation school for a reason, and that reason was that i never wanted to have to animate billowing fabric ever again. 

FINALLY, i would like to draw your attention to scribblywizards.tumblr.com, which is a blog I have made for keeping stuff like headcanon, worldbuilding, background details, fanart and answers to questions on! So if you have a question about GOSF you can ask it there instead of having to take it to my personal blog, now, which is great and should hopefully confuse people less! 

(You should ask questions, I like it when people do that.)

- Harry

> BEGIN FLASHBACK.

That is kind of a lot to drop on a girl all at once. You’d think she could have told you some of this stuff a little glubbing sooner, you are just saying! 

Well, shit. You really hope Professor Boxcars isn’t going to mind you being late for Care of Magical Creatures.

> END OF ACT 1.

She tells you that she has begun to grow concerned about the Tournament, and pauses for effect. The Squid is SAGE and WISE, but you have also learned she is a little MELODRAMATIC.

At first, she says, she had expected it to be no more dangerous than any other globally respected and prestigious teen wizard competition with an inherent risk of grievous bodily harm and death, but she has begun to sense that NOT ALL IS AS IT SEEMS.

She thought the Headmaster was harmless enough, too – but lately she’s started to feel that he’s somehow … familiar. There is a DARK FORCE at work at Hogwarts. And, she adds, after another appropriate pause, there are students being MANIPULATED by it - she is not sure which they are, she can’t tell from down here in the lake, but she says you must beware of them. 

She is sure that the Triwizard Tournament is a part of all this, but she can’t be certain how.

There is one thing she does know, though:

It is of the utmost importance that John Egbert must not win.

==>

The Squid undulates her MIGHTY TENTACLES. She seems troubled.

After a moment, she speaks. Her voice is old and deep as ever - DEEP AS THE OCEANS, and OLD AS BALLS. 

You have always thought it is kind of cute.

> Fereri: Listen.